Sunday, March 1, 2009

The natural order of things.....

I had just witnessed the autopsy of an adult involved in a fatal collision one Saturday morning. I saw a detective buddy of mine walk into the room. We hadn't seen each other in a while. What a setting huh, corpses laying on stainless steel tables and were catching up on what's been happening.

He tells me he's here for the autopsy of a young woman who was hit along our local interstate highway and obviously killed. He told me the corpse's name and asked me if I recognized it. "Nope, why?" I replied. He went on to say that she had a local address in South City where I work.

Next to the female corpse was a male corpse. I noticed the male corpse looked familiar to me. I walked up to the gurney he was laid out on and said "Hey isn't this Joe Shitbag?" My detective buddy answered, "Sure is." I asked my detective buddy, how did Joe Shitbag, such a deserving person finally end up where he should have been years ago.

How did I come to know Joe Shitbag? Many, many moons ago I worked at the county jail where Joe Shitbag was a frequent guest. He shared the wealth of his visits with the California Department of Corrections (CDC) while doing state prison time. He was a methamphetamine addict or what we call a "tweaker" or "crankster".

Turns out Joe Shitbag received a small inheritance from some family member, mind you Joe Shitbag was in his early 40's. Joe Shitbag unfortunately couldn't kick his habit and was placed back into the caring hands of the CDC for a parole violation.

Joe's girlfriend, Suzy Crank-whore was 18 years old and obviously well onto the road of living off of us taxpayers. While Joe Shitbag was in prison, Suzy spent his inheritance.

So when Joe Shitbag got out of prison for the parole violation, he was pissed off to say the least when he discovered he had no inheritance money left and Suzy Crank-whore had shacked up with one of his buddies.

Late one night neighbors report a loud fight between Joe and Suzy followed by a gunshot. It was reported that Suzy jumped into Joe's beat up car and fled the scene. Joe was killed in a relatives driveway and needless to say there's more air for us breath.

Suzy goes to jump on the local interstate and on the cloverleaf on ramp, spins out into a small marsh. She gets out of the car and gets whacked by a car on the interstate. The gun that killed Joe is in the car and his wallet containing his I.D. card is in Suzy's purse.

We all had a good chuckle about the circumstances. The only bothersome thing is the driver who tried to make Suzy a hood ornament is still at large.

It kinda reminded me of the food chain thing you know, career criminal killed by aspiring career criminal, killed by WTF was that, must have been a deer motorist.

A criminalist from my previous department was there and removing fingernail scrapings from Suzy, and then pubic hair samples from her.

You know us cops, gotta make fun of everything. We teased the criminalist about him removing trace evidence of himself on Suzy. Of course we had to take it further saying it was after she had been hit by the car.

Yeah, I know..... were sick and insensitive.