Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The "reverse"

When I first started in law enforcement I worked for a Sheriff's Department. In this department all deputies start their careers off by working the jails. Not a fun place to work. You had to make it fun, usually, well always at the expense of some criminal.

One of the not so fun tasks we had to routinely perform was to strip search criminals before giving them their jail clothes. We used these two small rooms which always stunk of bare feet and ass, what a combination. It is very shocking to the senses especially because most criminals have an allergy to soap and water.

The typical strip search went as follows; put them into the room and hand them an empty clothing bag. You'd tell them to place all of their clothes in the bag and when that was finished they were to hang it on the exterior door knob.

We would then enter the room with the door slightly open and have them standing in the nude facing us. We'd direct them to hold up their arms to make sure they weren't concealing drugs in their armpits. Next we'd tell them to open their mouths and lift their tongue and make sure they weren't concealing contraband in there. Then it was time to lift their penis and scrotum to make sure those areas were drug free. We'd next tell them to turn around and show us the bottoms of their feet. The last step was to have them bend over at the waist, spread their butt cheeks and to cough. Supposedly if they were keestering any contraband up their ass, the coughing would cause it to fall out.

Once this was done we'd then hand them their jail clothes. When they were dressed they took a seat on a wooden bench then led to a holding cell until the intake housing unit could accommodate them.

More than once while working the booking area of the jail you'd run into a problem criminal that had an attitude. I found a very subtle way to get them back. I dubbed it the "reverse". The reverse was the strip search as mentioned above only done backwards.

I'd usually make them bend over several times to spread their ass cheeks and cough. I'd tell them it wasn't done properly and to do it again. They'd get so pissed of that they would literally claw at their ass cheeks and ass hole. Then they'd be directed to turn around and ordered to lift their penis and scrotum. Of course they couldn't do it right as they were told to repeat the process because they were not going with the program.

The last step was to have them open their mouth, place two or three fingers in at the sides and pull the cheeks of their mouths apart. After that was done I'd add the additional step of having them smacking their lips together several times. That would always get me a strange look from the criminal as they complied.

I would then exit the room and return with their jail clothes. Before I would exit the room to allow them to get dressed, I would turn and ask them, "By the way, how did your ass and balls taste?"

Problem criminal - a waste of taxpayers money.

Jail clothes - $60.00

Criminal placing his nasty fingers inside his mouth after groping his ass and balls and smacking his lips - priceless!

Stupid sons of bitches.


  1. I love it!! You are as sick and twisted on the job as my partner Sizzles and myself. Are you sure you're not RCMP??? I'm copying this post and sending it to my buddy Bobby who is a D.O.C. guard on Riker's in NYC, give him some new ideas.
    Thanks Bro!!!

  2. I've often wondered where my sick and twisted self originated from. Most of my buddies tell me it must have been the more than 1 year and less than 11 years I spent in the Navy.

    Maybe having worked in law enforcement for more than 1 year and less than 20 years is the culprit.

    Anyways, its who I am now and I always enjoy pranks at the expense of criminals although I worry about the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) coming after me for picking on those who are a hamburger short of a happy meal.