Thursday, January 29, 2009

A new record!

There I sat on my motor in the shade of a big oak tree on this bright, beautiful day (God I love the weather in California, it's freakin' January and I'm still ridin' on two wheels!!).  

Parked next to me is my motor partner, Juan "ees no probleem" Jalisco.  We usually work in tandem and talk about anything and everything as we patiently wait for our prey to scoot by.

I'm parked closest to the curb of this business entrance.  We see the first of many prey to fall today from our "perch".  Juan Jalisco is on it as he chases down a driver wearing no seat belt.  

After a few minutes I see a white VW beetle go by and see the driver talking on a cellular phone. I'm off like a prom dress, as I whisk after the bug.  The bug stopped at a red arrow in a left turn lane.  I can see through the rear window that the driver is still talking on her cell phone.  

It is always funny to see how quick a drivers reflexes are when they're on their cell phones and see a cop.  I swear sometimes they're so quick to put the cell phone down, that if they were just as quick to bring it up to their ears they'd probably knock themselves unconscious.  

The driver sees me behind her and does the disappearing act with the cell phone.  We pull into the parking lot of a fast food restaurant where she asks me why I had pulled her over.  I took off my sunglasses, tilted my head to one side and gave her that "you've got to be kidding me" look.

She then says, "Okay, you caught me talking on my phone."

Okay, I'm gonna write you a ticket for talking on your phone......

So after the usual interaction with the driver, she leaves with her copy and says that she won't do it again (famous last words).  What she meant to say is "Hopefully I won't get caught again."  
So off she goes about her business, and off I go in search of more drivers who need a little educating.

About 45 minutes later, Juan Jalisco is on another car stop.  I cruise by his location to make sure everything is good as the driver was driving without a license (a towable offense in California with a 30 day impound).  Juan tells me he's "hokay" and I park at the other end of this parking lot watching passing motorists.

I see this VW beetle approaching and notice the driver, Wait a minute, she looks familiar!, no way!..... Way!  Its the same driver yapping away on her cell phone.  She sees me and it looked like she threw her cell phone down toward the right front passenger floorboard.

SCORE!  I stop the VW and recontact the driver who had nothing to say.  She automatically handed me her driver license, registration, and proof of insurance.  I told her "I don't need those, I'll just copy your info of the last ticket I gave you."  

Two cell phone tickets in 45 minutes to the same driver.  Who'd a thunk?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

And Baby comes home

We motor cops do have hearts.  We have people in our lives whom we truly love with all of our heart and soul, sometimes so much that they become our heart and soul.  Special people who brighten our lives and days to remind us that life is a wonderful gift.

I stopped this one driver for going 56 mph in a posted 40.  Its a pretty busy roadway with lots of entrances and exits to roadside businesses.

After the usual greeting with him giving me his driver license and such, he tells me that he's on his way to the local hospital to pick up his wife and new born son.  He even showed me the wrist band allowing him into the nursery to see his pride and joy.

Being a typical motor cop I write him a speeding ticket and give him a break on not having proof of insurance.  

While I explained the ticket to him, he was obviously pissed off and thought that its okay and justified to drive 16 mph over the posted speed limit because he was a new father.  

I politely explained to him that he surely reduces his chances of enjoying the truly best job in the world and that is being a father, dad, fahja, papa-san or what ever you wanna call it.

He doesn't buy into it and angrily tells me "I'll see you in court!  You obviously don't have children yourself."

So this last week there we were, seated in the courtroom waiting for the traffic trials to begin. I see my defendant, new daddy sitting in the last row on the opposite side of the courtroom.  He steps outside where I see him talking to another gentleman wearing a suit.  

The suited gent walks up to me and asks me if I'm Officer 2 Wheel Terror.  I answer that I am, as he tells me he is representing his client who was my client on that day he chose to speed. 

We step out of the courtroom into the lobby where his client walks up.  The attorney tells me that his client who happened to be his friend was willing to plea to "no contest" which means that he wasn't saying that he was guilty nor was he innocent.  The no contest plea would be to a lesser charge, still causing him to pay a fine but it wouldn't add a point to his driving record which in turn keeps the car insurance from going up.

I have no problem with that.  I don't take any drivers actions or reactions personally (usually).  So he pled "no contest" to a lesser violation.  He was happy, his attorney (who turned out to be his friend's son's god father) was happy.  

Me I didn't care.  I show up because the driver chose to exercise his constitutional right and I respect that.  Of course it doesn't hurt that I get paid 5 hours minimum of overtime.....

I saw him out in the lobby where I shook his hand and asked him how his wife and son were doing.  We chatted for a few minutes about children, fatherhood, but avoided the topic of teenagers...... I think he'll be in for a surprise.

White cane, Stone heart, Lack of discretion

Okay, this story came to me second hand, heard by a fellow motor officer from my agency who happened to be in traffic court when this case was heard.

A brother motor cop from another agency walks up to the podium as his case is called.  He gets up there with ease and stands facing the Judge.  As the motor cop's back is to the rest of the police officers and defendants he stood there.

Seeing that his defendant hadn't walked up to the podium, he turned around.  Here his defendant was walking wearing sunglasses, fishing hat and using a white cane!!

With cops in the room, especially motor cops, you could here the murmurs of their hushed comments and snickering.  

Apparently the motor cop cited him for walking across a street (at an intersection) against a red hand, meaning don't walk.  The motor cop testified that the defendant was not using a white cane that day.

One of three things happened.... 1) The motor cop didn't believe the man's story as "we've heard it all before", 2) This motor cop is too hard core, 3) The old man was a cantankerous bastard and deserved the ticket.

Picture it, an old, fragile man wearing his sunglasses, fishing hat, probably bermuda shorts with black socks and using his white cane, tapping it side to side as he approaches the podium to testify.

Ewwwww!  Not a pretty picture, or at least not one I'd like to be party to in front of all those cops, because cops can be relentless when it comes to laughing at each other.

The old man testifies that he has only 10% of his vision and is legally blind.  He added that he may not have had his white cane with him.  The intersection lacked some type of sound device to let the visually impaired to know if it was safe to cross.

Needless to say, no judgement was made and the case was taken under submission.  Submission is when the Judge needs to review evidence which was submitted during a traffic case trial or does not want to embarrass the officer and makes a judgement later, mailing his decision to the defendant and Officer.

What a kicker, mailing the Judges decision to a blind man.

Ticketed twice must suck

We have this one roadway that we affectionately refer to as the (name of street) speedway.  This section of the road is where driver's seem to have a particularly hard time matching the numbers on their speedometers with those white signs with the black numbers on them (not really a tough thing to do).

So there I sit in the wide open with my motor partner parked along the curb near the corner of the intersection which gives me an unobstructed view up to 4000 feet of oncoming, unwary motorists.  The posted speed limit is 45 mph.  Typically we get drivers doing in excess of 60 mph.  

There is a daycare center nearby where during the summer the small children are all holding onto a rope as they take a walk around the park like setting.

While I sat there watching cars approach and drive by (it's not as boring as you think), I noticed this one car heading toward me, up hill and looked to be hauling ass.  I'm thinking its traveling in excess of 60 mph.  

So I point my handy-dandy LIDAR (generally referred to as laser radar) at the approaching car and get a speed reading of 63 mph.  

I holstered my LIDAR, fire up the bike and turn on my emergency lights as the car gets closer. The car passes as I pull behind it.  The driver sees me as he passed the corner I was stopped on. He immediately pulls over and stops in a public transit bus pull out.

Upon contact he's really apologetic and kept repeating "Please to forgive me, please to forgive me."  

We have the usual short conversation where I start off, "Good morning, afternoon, evening, Officer 2 Wheel Terror, South City PD.  I then ask him the usual, 1) I stopped you for your speed, 2) what's the posted speed limit, 3) how fast were you going, 4) driver license, registration and proof of insurance.

My initial contact ends with "Unfortunately I'm going to give you a ticket for the speeding, I'll be right back."

When I walk back up to his door, the driver begins to question me on my qualifications, the equipment I was using, how long I've been a cop and can he see the LIDAR.  So I politely answer his questions and I remind him his signature is not an admission of guilt.  He states that he wants to see the LIDAR first before he signs.  

People, this is not "Lets make a deal" and no, you don't get to pick what's behind door #2.  I told idiot I'd be more than happy to show him the LIDAR after he signs.  He tells me he won't sign the ticket until he sees the LIDAR.  

Well out comes my "Show Host" personality where I tell him option (door) #1 is me giving him his copy of the ticket after he signs and option (door) #2 is my handcuffs on his wrists, under arrest, sitting in the back of a patrol car and off to jail.  

Obviously "Idiot" is not as much of an idiot as I thought he was.  He signs and I happily give him his copy.  I walk back to my motor, grab the LIDAR and walk back up to his door.  I show him his locked speed and the distance of about 300 feet.

Einstein asks, "How do I know that's me?"  "Does it 'capture' my license plate or a picture of my car speeding?"  Lets be realistic here.... "No"  

You feel like giving replies such as ".... and if you wear this government issued aluminum foil LIDAR beam deflector hat you'll never get caught speeding again." or "just place that bag of microwave popcorn on your dashboard and if there's a cop around with a LIDAR the popcorn will start popping, a real inexpensive but effective LIDAR detector."

I'll be taking pre-orders via this blog for both items.

Seriously!  THINK ABOUT IT!!  Do you really think I'm gonna jeopardize a great career which pays well, allows me to retire at age 50, and give up my gig of being a professional motorcycle rider..... just to write you a goddamn ticket?  "Oh Hell No!!!!"

I tell all drivers I meet, greet and educate that it is their right to handle the matter personally in court.  I don't really care if you handle it through the mail or exercise your right to contest the ticket.

Einstein tells me he intends to measure the distance at which I locked his speed at.  I told Einstein that he couldn't leave his car parked in the public transit bus pull out.  So this genius gets into his car, pulls out of the bus pull out and parks along the curb which is painted red and has those cute little signs which say "NO PARKING AT ANYTIME".

I'm standing there writing my notes about this traffic stop.  I've made it a habit and have had enough practice to be able to write my notes without looking down, allowing me to keep my eye on hazards, like drivers and their automobiles.

So I watch Einstein grab several tape measures, and folding wooden measuring sticks.  He walks by me and says that he's going to measure the 300 feet to pinpoint his exact location.  I replied "knock yourself out."

I watched Einstein walk down the road out of view.  Meanwhile my motor partner who had cleared his traffic stop pulls up and asks me what's up.  I told him the driver was going to measure 300 feet.

He exclaims, "You gotta be fucking kidding me!"  Then he says "Is that his car."  I replied "Why yes, yes it is."  He fires up his motor and pulls behind the car where he issues a parking ticket for parking in a red zone.


Sunday, January 25, 2009

You want sympathy!!!!!

Check this out, The posts you read on this blog are not the typical motorists we generally stop day to day.  A very high majority of them are very respectful.  They're usually not happy as they know the stereotype of motor cops is never giving warnings (which is very untrue).

The very rude, mean and sarcastic ones are few and far between.  They just seem more common because we stop a heck of a lot of cars.  We very rarely write about those kind, respectful motorists.

So one day I get dispatched with a fellow motor cop that there has been a traffic collision in a business parking lot.  There were no injuries but the dispatcher informed us that there was a verbal altercation going on between the two drivers.

My motor partner arrives first and he was already talking to both drivers as I rolled up.  I could see there were two females he was talking to.  One was middle aged the other a young college student home for X-mas break.  

I could see the middle aged woman was quite upset by the way she was gesticulating with her arms.  

Apparently the college student was backing out of parking spot and into the right front passenger door of a passing sedan.  The impact between the rear bumper and pass door was negligible as the only thing I saw was some disturbed dust.  

Of course the middle aged driver when I asked her to "point" out where the damage was, she began to kick the passenger door saying "It's right there, can't you see it?  What are you, blind!"
She then points out that her elderly (and I mean so elderly I thought she was driving a corpse around like "weekend at Bernie's") mother has a neuro-muscular degenerative disorder.

I asked her if she wanted me to call an ambulance for her mom.  She replies "Hell no, I take care of her seven days a week."  There were a couple of bystanders, one of which walked up and told me that she felt obligated to stop as she had witnessed the collision and said the middle aged driver verbally pounced on the college student.  

The college student who was talking to my partner was sobbing uncontrollably.  The middle aged driver tells me in a witchy tone "If I cried like that little bitch I'd be getting all of the attention too."  

I told Witchy-poo that I was talking to her so the college student driver wasn't getting all of the attention.  Of course she had a comeback, "How come she's getting all of the sympathy!"  I told her that the other driver wasn't.  

She was a citizen from the "Town" just to the north of us where most of those residents have this attitude of self entitlement (believe me I know because I used to work in the "Town", just ask Motor Cop).  

She rudely points out after a patrol car arrived on scene, "Look how many god damned cops are here, one, two, three, three goddamn cops!  I had my house alarm go off and only one "Town" cop showed up!"

I professionally replied, "Ma'am I'm sorry that the "Town Police Department" doesn't provide it's citizens with the high level of service which the "South City Police Department" provides its own citizens."

Her reply, "Fuck you! what do you know!  How come I'm not getting any sympathy!!"  I let my temper get the best of my mouth as I told her, "You want sympathy?  Look it up in the dictionary between 'shit' and syphilis'".

Oh boy, the Linda Blair exorcist head twisting move began.  I was expecting the green power puking to commence but instead she screamed "You cock sucker! What's your name!"  I politely pointed (with my middle finger) to my name patch on my jacket.  Then she demanded my badge number, which I quickly pointed (again with middle finger extended) to my cloth badge sewn onto my jacket.

Well my partner spun around when she screamed "You cock sucker!"  My partner looked at me with that look of "what did you do now?"  We've been working together for years so he knew I had said something smart ass.    

Well after all parties left the scene (some happier than others) my partner told me with fingers in his ears, "La-la-la-la, I don't even want to know what you said, la -la-la-la."  He eventually asked and I told him.

Had the bitch complained, I would have fessed up and admitted my smart ass remark.  I would have been "papered" (meaning written up for conduct unbecoming or some other violation of policy), but sometimes you just have to put people in their place.

I hope her exorcism is successful.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Acronyms commonly used

Acronyms, the use of letters which represent something, usually forming a catchy phrase.  When I was in the military they were famous for acronyms.

The law enforcement, fire protection, and emergency medical professions use these too.  There are the commonly used ones.  As an example, SWAT (special weapons and tactics), FTO (field training officer), SRO (School Resource Officer - you know the 21 jump street cops in uniforms at our local high schools).

Then there are those "unofficial" acronyms we use.  Now some of these may offend you, tough. That's just the way it is in our world.  Before you yell "racist pig" let me tell you that I'm of mixed ethnicity, part Anglo Saxon mixed in with some other minority ethnicity's.  For those of you out there with simple minds, I'm a mutt.

So don't even try to play the race card.  All race cards expired January 20, 2009 (hint hint).  So here goes the "unofficial police acronyms"

HUA = Head Up Ass
DWO = Driving While Other (races are described as white, black, asian and other)
DWA = Driving While Asian
FOAD = Fuck Off And Die
WTF = What The Fuck
AFU = All Fucked Up
LLPOF = Liar Liar Pants On Fire
KMA = Kiss My Ass
KMMFA = Kiss My Mother Fuckin Ass
AMF = Adios Mother Fuckers
AMFYOYO = Adios Mother Fuckers You're On Your Own
BOHICA = Bend Over Here It Comes Again
Adam Henry = Ass Hole or Aggressive and Hostile when explaining in court the driver's demeanor.
RALB = Riding Around Looking Bitchin 
OWOT = Organized Waste Of Time (usually referred to our motor training by the patrol guys)

I'm sure there are more out there that other agencies and safety professions use.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Drivers and Lemmings, Similar Behavior

The other day I attended an all day class to better my investigative skills pertaining to certain types of crimes.  Much to our surprise class was out at 4:00 pm which is earlier than my normal 10 hour shift ends.  

So our entire traffic division who were in attendance were feeling pretty good to be leaving "work" so early.  Much to our surprise our Sergeant informs us that there's been a serious traffic collision and that we'd all be needed at the scene to conduct an investigation and map the scene.

Once again with our usual pranks, we thought he was joking, but this time he wasn't.  So into uniform we all went and responded to the scene.  I've never seen a group of happier patrol officers when they saw us arrive.

Now one of two westbound lanes were closed off by highly visible orange cones as well as a South City maintenance truck with its flashing amber lights going.  Now the truck was parked in the closed off lane.

For those drivers who slow down when they see a "cone zone", police vehicles with pretty lights flashing, flares on the roadway, uniformed police officers directing traffic and a couple of crumpled pieces of metal which used to be cars, I want to extend my gratitude and thanks.  

Because of cautious, common sense drivers like you, you slow down all of the other dumb shits behind you posing as drivers.  Us officers who are standing in the roadway really appreciate your taking the time out of your busy day to help us with our safety.

To the group of Head Up Ass motorist who bitch and moan when they have a slow driver ahead of them while driving through a collision scene, get a fuckin' clue will ya!  Take the hint when you see orange cones, flares, police vehicles with emergency lights flashing, crumpled cars and police officers directing traffic.  All of this means slow the hell down.

I can just picture those TARD drivers yelling as they go whizzing by, "Look at the pretty lights, look at the pretty lights, Me like pretty lights!"  

Just because the damn sign states 40 mph as the posted speed doesn't mean you drive that fast through an accident scene.  In a perfect world we'd have some stereotypical asshole motor cop waiting for you as you exit the area of the crash and write your dumb ass a well deserved ticket.

Now here's the kicker, everybody is driving in the one open lane and appeared to understand that the lane with no traffic and blocked by orange cones was the one not to use.......or so I thought.

Now when someone refers to all cops are assholes, I understand its a general blanket statement and no insult taken on my part.  So no insult taken on your part when I use the general blanket statement about Head Up Ass drivers.  Nuff said.

I see this Yahoo drive into the closed lane through a gap in the orange cones.  I hold up my hand in a motion for him to stop.  When he stopped I pointed with my other hand for him to get back into the flow of traffic where the smart people were driving.  

Shit Head thinks he's special I guess as he remains stopped.  Then I see his arm and hand poke out of his driver window as me motions for me to come over to his car like I'm some fuckin' waiter.  So I politely waved back.

Shit Head must have taken my wave back as serious because he honks his car horn and waves for me to come over to his car.  I waved back and motioned again to get back over to the lane of moving traffic.

He honks his horn a couple of times at which time I wave to him a third time (this game was getting fun because one of the other motor officers waved back also).  Shit Head gets out of his car as I yell at him to get on the sidewalk (for his safety of other like minded drivers).  

He walks up near to where I am standing and says "I need to get to that store." as he points to the shopping center whose entrance is incidentally closed because of the crashed cars.  I inform him (politely) that there is a second entrance through a small set of businesses a little west of the original entrance.  He tells me he's lived in South City for 25 years and has never had to take another route to the store.

Okay people, I understand we're creatures of habit.  We usually drive the same way to and from work, shop at the same grocery store, go to the same coffee shop, park in or near the same parking spot everyday and so on and so forth.

Get a clue, try finding alternate routes to where you conduct your normal business.  You'd be amazed that if your normal way is closed because to drivers decided to meet one another by introducing their cars head on, you can still magically get to the same place with a little different scenery.

So how are lemmings related to this story you ask?  Shit head driver begins to drive forward to exit the closed lane and wouldn't you know it, several drivers pulled into the closed lane to follow Shit Head.  I let nature take its Shit Head re-entered the open lane so did the other three TARD drivers.

People watching can be very amusing.  I love my job!!! 

Monday, January 19, 2009

Kids will be kids....

One thing us motor cops are notorious for is our sense of humor.  Everyday at work with the jokes and pranks I actually need to remind myself "And I get paid to do this!"

Our motor sergeant is a great guy.  He goes to bat for us when a complaint comes in about one of us (which is more often than not).  

Well our motor sergeant was the newest member to the motor cop profession.  The rest of us have been doing the motor cop job for years.  Now when you see our entire motor unit together, you'd think "now there's a group of dedicated officers, highly trained accident re-constructionists who love their job."

We actually look like adults, the majority of us sport mustaches (with a hint of gray) and with thinning hair (must be from wearing the helmet most of the day).  Looks can be deceiving because we have to be one of the most juvenile group of men around.  This distinction doesn't belong exclusively to our department as its been my experience that other department's motor units are just as juvenile.

So to break in our new motor sergeant, we'd always turn on his motorcycle siren.  The siren would only sound after he turned the ignition switch on and believe me it is loud and an attention getter.  Needless to say for about the first six months he never checked it.  Every time we'd leave our favorite coffee place the sound of his siren would pierce the morning silence followed by our loud laughter.

Eventually our sergeant caught on and learned to check his siren and emergency lights before turning on his ignition.  What we started doing next was to turn on his heated hand grips as high as they would go.

He was catching on quick and we were running out of pranks to pull on him.  Well not to let a funny streak end, I decided it would be funny to put is motorcycle in third gear and watch him stall as he began to take off.

Typically us motor cops will put our feet up on the foot boards as soon as the bike starts moving and do a sharp turn which we refer to as a pull-out.  We tend to pull out very sharply hoping to bump the front tire of the motorcycle next to us with our saddle bag.  

On this particular day the sergeant parked his motor to the right of the rest of our motors.  So after we all were mounted on our steel steeds with the V-twin engines low rumble we nodded to our sergeant to pull-out first and we'd follow.

It was hilarious to hear his engine rev up as the motor started to move forward.  The handle bars turned hard right, the motor lurched forward then stalled.  As we expected, he did the usual feet up on the foot boards as he fell over in the parking lot.

I thought I had broken a rib I was laughing so hard.  All of us were in tears.  Of course the Harley being a heavy bike we absolutely felt obligated to help the sergeant pick up his motor......after we had taken out our digital cameras and taken several pictures.  We motor cops do love a photo opportunity!

Needless to say we never pulled that prank on the sergeant again. 

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Another Late Friday

I'm no different that any other person who has a career.  When Friday rolls around I'm happy my weekend has arrived and look forward to my time off.  

I've been doing this job longer than 15 years and less than 30 years, and when Monday comes around again I'm not thinking of a new excuse I haven't used yet to get out of work.  Come Monday I'm ready to hit the streets and provide some education through enforcement.

Now back to Friday.  It typically never fails that happy drivers, eager drivers and in a hurry drivers occur more on Friday than any other day of the week as they are ready to start their weekend just like me, well almost like me.

Its a rarity that I get off on time on Fridays, why?  Because these happy, eager and in a hurry drivers are thinking about what plans they have for Friday night or any other night or day of their weekend.  This means that they are paying more attention to their "mental daydreams" than they are about keeping their eye on the roadway.

Sometimes its nothing other than someone driving Head Up Ass, especially young, new drivers.
Even more so when they have a group of friends in the car with them egging them on.

Let me give you a "for instance".  

Johnny Nudriver hears the end of school day bell and races to the parking lot where several of his friends are waiting for him.  Now Johnny is cool because Daddy Nudriver doesn't want poor Johnny to have to actually exercise his legs by riding a bicycle or walking to and from school.  

Daddy Nudriver wants to look cool too.  So he gives Johnny the keys to his late model (and I really mean late model as in new car smell late model).  

So in pile all of Johnny's friends and this late model sedan is packed with five persons ages 16 to 18.  Mind you Johnny has plenty of experience.  He's had his driver license since December of 2008!

For those of you not from California, we have this provisional restrictions for new drivers for their first year or until they're 18.  The law does not allow these young inexperienced drivers to have passengers and they are not allowed to drive between the hours of 11:30 pm to 5:00 am.  There are some exceptions to the passenger rule and driving between the restricted hours but those exceptions didn't apply to Johnny.

The intent behind this law is good.  If Johnny had no passengers in his car, he may have not felt the need to show off.  In turn his "buddies" would not have felt obligated to egg him on with his HUA driving.

So here they all are traveling at a very excessive speed having the time of their lives, enjoying their "E-ticket" ride!  Johnny doesn't realize the laws of gravity, coefficients of friction (how well you tire sticks to the roadway) and centrifugal force let alone when to slow down and try using that pedal just to the left of the long skinny one.

So the roadway has a sweeping left curve and Johnny is traveling on a downgrade.  Woo Hoo!!!  Hands up in the air everybody, you know just like on the roller coasters.

So as the roadway curves to the left, Johnny Nudriver's speed causes the car to break its grip on the roadway.  The cars slides sideways (after spinning 180 degrees in a clockwise motion and facing the wrong damn direction) and cages (bends inwards) both the front and rear left side tires.  

The tires slide onto the grass and soft dirt which causes the car to "trip" or begin rolling over side to side.  To make matters worse, where Johnny's sedan left the roadway leads into a gently sloping ravine.  

"This is Captain Johnny speaking.  If you look out the windows to your right, you'll see the roadway we just launched from.  Looking to you left you'll see our destination.....please notice the no smoking sign is on and oh by the way please ensure your seat belts are fastened properly.  Thank you for flying the friendly skies with HUA airlines.

As the flight continues....."Please take a moment to look out your window as we'll be landing shortly where you'll be able to see the sky, grass, sky, grass, sky, grass and there we go, sky.  Don't forget you carry on baggage and please come again I appreciate your business.

Luckily everybody had their seat belts on.   As the car rolled, the passenger and driver doors opened with nobody ejected.  

As I rolled up to the scene, I could see the tire scrubs left by the car to the edge of the sloping hill which led down to the ravine.  I walk over to the edge and see that amazingly the car came to rest on its wheels.  The fire department was already on scene.

Believe this!  All four passengers and driver had no major injuries.  Out of the five persons, two were transported to the local hospital where they were treated for their minor injuries and released.

Johnny Nudriver was not injured but appeared visibly shaken as I spoke to him.  I told Johnny after taking his statement for my lengthy traffic collision report, that I will be issuing him a citation for driving at an unsafe speed and for violating his provisional driver license restrictions.  Johnny understood because I told him why I would be citing him.

Daddy Nudriver arrived on scene and nutted up! (truly an understatement).  Daddy Nudriver got into Johnny's face and jumped in his shit.  To kind of get Daddy Nudriver to calm down I put things in perspective to him.

I told him that I understood his anger, but we can replace cars, that's why we have insurance.  We don't have insurance policies to replace our loved ones in our lives when they are taken from us.  I added, it's much better to see your son standing in front of you unscathed where you can reach out and hug him, rather than sitting in a chair next to a gurney holding the cold hand coming from beneath a yellow medical blanket of someone who was near and dear to you.

The outcome to this solo vehicle collision is miraculous to say the least.  There were some Angels riding in that car protecting those kids who, thankfully have their whole lives ahead of them.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Bad Rap

Before I became a motor cop, I worked patrol.  That's what I believe most of us get into this profession for, to catch bad guys (and gals) and then take them to jail.  All motor cops started out driving patrol cars and volunteered for the specialty assignment of "Motor Officer" or "Traffic Officer", one in the same.

When I was in patrol division I worked the weekend graveyard shift.  It was a lot of fun.  I worked with a group of great officers and sergeant. 

One Friday night during our "line up" or pre-shift briefing we were all asked "Did you hear about 3 wheel terror?"  Well this other 3 wheel terror worked at the main jail.  I don't believe my real last name is too common, but common enough because including me there were a total of three of us with the same last name. 

Not a good combination to have 2, 3, and 4 wheel terror in the same department as people tend to not listen to the first name, just the last.

So as I recall the story being told, 3 wheel terror was single and "hooked" up with a civilian clerk at the jail.  The story goes that the clerk was separated from her husband who was a pretty big dude.  Funny how 3 wheel terror didn't know or didn't care to know about him (man thinking with the wrong head, again).  

As the story goes, after doing the "nasty", the "bump-n-grind" or whatever you may call it they fall asleep in each others arms (how romantic huh).  Hubby still had a key to "his" house and decided to come home.

Hubby walks into his bedroom and sees his wife and 3 wheel terror laying buck naked in each others arms.  Of course Hubby go "nucking futs" and proceeds to give 3 wheel terror an ass whoopin' that he won't soon forget.  I don't think his badge would have protected him even if he wore it through a pierced nipple.

3 wheel terror wakes up to the jealous wrath of Hubby and gets the shit kicked out of him.  3 wheel terror was able to get out of the house through a window with just his cell phone and nothing else.

That would have been a different sight to see, a naked man running down the street with just his cellular phone.  

Now here's the intelligence're buck naked, no car keys, no nothing but your phone and you're far from your home.  What do you do?

1.  Call your best friend and tell him or her to bring you something to wear and not to ask any questions and make him or her swear they'll take this little event to their grave without ever telling a soul.

2.  Go back to the house where you politely knock on the door and ask for your clothes, shoes and car keys.

3.  Call the local police department and tell them you want Hubby arrested for battery (fancy legalese for getting socked up) after you had sex with his wife.

For those of you who picked option #1, pat yourselves on the back. 

Which option do you think 3 wheel terror picked.  It certainly wasn't #1.  So if he didn't pick option #1, then obviously any other choice was certainly HUA (head up ass) choices.

Well Einstein called the local police department and wanted Hubby arrested for kicking his ass. We all had a real good laugh about his stupidity.  No arrest was made and he sure provided a good story to be spread around.  

After line up, I walked out to my patrol car and got into the driver's seat.  I noticed that the mobile computer in my car had 3 messages to me on it.  All the messages asked "Are you okay?",  "What happened dude?" and "Don't tell me that was you!"

So me being the joker that I am, I replied to the various messages with replies like, "it didn't happen like that, I got out of the house with my shoes and cell phone." and "I called the police to get him some assistance after I thumped him up."

Needless to say, every time I'd drop some prisoner off at the jail, I'd hear the whispers, see the quick glances towards me and the pointing fingers, "is that him?"  "Wow, he healed up pretty quick."  

I'd have to let them know "It was the other 'wheel terror'".  So it goes to say that in a big department like I used to belong to, a name and stupid incident would get around quickly all the way to the top.  Nobody cares about the first name, just the last name.

Even after 3 wheel terror left the department for another, the story still went around.  My only consolation was that 4 wheel terror had to put up with the same shit I did, and now that I've left that department for a greener pasture, he's the only "wheel terror" in the department now.

Good luck 4 wheel terror. 

Monday, January 12, 2009

Sorry no frequent flyer points. You're luck just plain sucks.

This is a long one so you might want to use the restroom before you begin reading or grab a cup or glass of your favorite beverage and enjoy!

So here it is,
There are occasions where we have what we in the motor cop world refer to as repeat customer's.  And no they don't rack up any frequent flyer points, but they do rack up another type of points (Buwa-ha-ha-ha).

My first introduction to Adam Henry was watching a four-way stop sign controlled intersection.  It was a rainy day and as we motor cops don't ride in the rain for safety reasons, I was stuck in a patrol car.  

There are a few good things when we're stuck driving cars and that would be an FM car stereo and a mobile data computer, make that just one thing....the stereo.  Luckily for me the car I was driving had a dash mounted radar unit so while I'm monitoring the intersection for people who run the stop sign, I can also use the radar to catch speeders coming toward me from the front or back (see, we can multi-task too).  Turns out this combination was unlucky for Adam Henry.

I'm sitting there listening to the patter of rain drops on the roof of the patrol car and looking at the shape of the clouds above me.  Not really.  

There I sat waiting for some unlucky prey to run the stop sign or speed up on me in this residential area as I'm rockin' out to some classic rock-n-roll music (kinda dated myself there).

I see the first of my victims for the day.  I can tell he's haulin' ass as he's coming toward me due to the wild bouncing of his car as he travels over these wide speed bumps designed to slow traffic down.  This guy looks like he's racing in the Baja 1000.

I visually estimate his speed at approximately 45 mph in a posted 25 mph zone.  I turn on the forward antenna of the radar unit and get a very high pitched Doppler tone as I lock in the car's speed at 48 mph.  Mind you with the rain, wet roadway, and being in a residential area I'm thinking the safe speed to be around 20 mph (at least).  

So I lock in the car's speed at 48 mph as I anticipate that the car will come to a complete stop before driving through the intersection.  Remind you, there I'm parked in a fully marked patrol car with the pretty light bar on the roof, the spot light on the sides of the front windshield and a push bar on the front.  The only thing the patrol car is missing is a bright blinking neon sign which says "CAUTION----COP PARKED HERE!!!"

The Gods were kind as the car slowed and made a right turn without stopping at the stop sign.  Praise be to whomever......This is what we would call a "toofer" ("two for", meaning two violations for one driver!).

So I catch up to the vehicle and make a traffic stop.  I step out of the patrol car and walk up to the driver door and contact the driver, Adam Henry.  

Adam Henry; "Why'd you stop me?"
Me; "Because I can."  (not really but it sounded good).  "I know why I stopped you, do you?"
Adam Henry; "If I knew, I wouldn't be 'fucking' asking you now would I?"
Me; "What a potty mouth, you don't kiss you mommy with that mouth do you?"
Adam Henry; "Do your job and give me the damn ticket will ya!"
Me; "Absolutely, license, registration and insurance card."

Well Dip Shit hands me an expired driver license, last years registration, and an old expired insurance card.  The nice thing is I'm not required to tell you, "Sir you seem to have handed me an expired driver license.  I also noticed that you've accidentally handed me last years registration for you vehicle and an expired insurance card.  Would you mind finding your current information for me please.  Oh, and by the way, take your time.  I'll be sitting in my patrol car parked behind you.  Just honk your horn when you find these items and I'll be more than happy to retrieve them from you."

Listen, the responsibility is yours to hand me all of your current info and if not, well there's more than one line in the section of the ticket that says "VIOLATION(S)".

So I happily accept his expired documentation and told him "Oh by the way, I stopped you because you were speeding and the stop sign violation."  As I walk back to my patrol car I had a hard time trying to keep myself from skipping back because I'm so happy that Adam Henry has helped me to help him by paper fucking him.

So lets see, speeding violation, stop sign violation, driver license not in possession, no current registration, and an expired insurance card (let see, being a stupid asshole....not a crime, yet).
Now I have a dilemma, five violations, only four lines and no continuation ticket with me.

Me, being the thoughtful person that I am, I give him a verbal warning on the old registration paper.  The wonderful thing about the insurance violation is the only person that can make that a correctable or "fix it" violation are the courts and only after you show them your current insurance card (which means a trip to the court house and usually a long wait in a long line).

Usually when drivers have "tude" as in attitude, I'll take my sweet ass time writing their ticket out.  I never realized I could print so neat and legible.  So by the time I walk back up to Adam Henry's car and begin to explain the ticket to him, he is out of patience.  Of course he's a fucking know it all as he says "I know, I know, just let me sign the damn ticket."
Me; Certainly, do you need to see your expired driver license to copy your name."

Adam Henry looks at the ticket and replies, "You couldn't give me a break on something?"  I told him that I had, because I ran out of lines on the ticket.  So he rants as I give him his copy about how I'm ruining his life, how he's gonna lose his driver license and his job because of me.  I'd feel so guilt ridden if I had any conscious about writing tickets, but unluckily for the general motoring public I don't.

Adam Henry asks for his driver license back when I tell him its expired so I'll be returning it to the DMV.

This was not the last conversation I've had with Adam Henry.  I've stopped him for speeding on three more occasions.  The last occasion was near our first meeting place.  After getting his info I tell him that I'm going to write him another ticket.  Well this time his driver license was suspended.

CLUE:  If you're driver license is suspended for what ever reason, why drive HUA (Head Up Ass) because you never know when your friendly motor cop might be around when he sees you do something stupid like speeding through a neighborhood.

In the wonderful State of California if you're driving on a suspended license the "pole-eece" can tow and have your vehicle stored for 30 days at your cost.

I walk back up to Adam Henry and ask him why is driver license is suspended.
Adam Henry; "Because of all the fucking tickets you wrote me!"
Me;  "I'll need the ignition key and you can take what ever items you want or need out of your   truck."
Adam Henry; "Officer 2 Wheel Terror, please don't tow my truck, I need it and all my tools for   work."
Me; (noticing the big change in attitude) "Sorry Mr. Henry, tow truck's on it's way."
Adam Henry;  "I bet you'd give your own mother a ticket!"
Me;  "Yup, and after a year and a half she's still pissed off about it.  Can you believe she tried     that whole 'I gave birth to you' angle.

Well Adam Henry decides that he'll pick up his belongings in his truck at the tow yard later.  I showed Adam Henry my pen and asked him if he knew what it was.  He of course being the sharpest tool in the shed that he is, "It's a fucking pen."  I tell him it's not just any ordinary pen, it's a magic pen.  It turns drivers into pedestrians.  

I head back to the police station because the sky is clearing and I'm all about two wheels.  I get changed into my riding britches, boots, helmet, and Harley and I'm off like another prom dress and on the prowl.

Our dispatch center raised me on the radio letting me know that the tow company wanted me to contact them.  I pull over and give them a call and you'll never believe who showed up at the tow company driving another car to gather all of his tools from his truck.

There's stupid, then there's Fucking Stupid.  So I head over to the tow yard and guess who I meet driving down the narrow road from the tow company......Fucking Stupid aka Adam Henry.

Adam Henry sees me and drives up the road backwards at about 35 mph, parks it curbside in front of the tow company and hops out of the drivers seat.

I love my job!  I gave Adam Henry another ticket for driving on a suspended driver license, unsafe backing and yes I had the car stored for 30 days too.  The nice thing was I didn't have to wait for a tow truck.

I watched Adam Henry as he walked away yelling expletives about me and the department I work for.  He turned around and gave me the "bird".  I raised my magic pen and said, "Abra-ca-dabra, Presto-chango! and shook my pen at him and twice in one day Adam Henry went from driver to pedestrian.

Am I always this rude.  No, matter of fact I'm quite cordial and truly realize that people don't like getting tickets (I sure as hell never did, and sure as hell got my share of tickets speeding around on my motorcycle as a teenager and young adult).  Respect begets respect.  


Sunday, January 11, 2009

May I Take Your Order.....

Weekends are made for family, friends and fun.  It usually means no motor cops on duty too, which leads to stress free, care free driving.  Unless you shift your days around and work a Saturday or Sunday, like I did today (he he he).

I have this one duck pond along this busy major arterial roadway and during the later part of the day the unwary drivers are traveling into the sun with their sun visors down.  And of course I'm parked safely out of the way so as not to obstruct any traffic or in the public's eye, hiding spot.  

While parked at this location I see a lot of people driving without or improperly wearing their seat belts as well as chatting on their cellular phones, unbeknown to them a concerned public servant awaits sitting on a motorcycle ready to meet and greet them.

So there I was sitting on my motor minding my own "bidness" when this guys drives up off the road and into where I'm safely parked near the entrance of a fast food restaurant.  I see he isn't wearing his seat belt and I'm not the greatest lip reader but it sure looked like he said "fuck" as he saw me.

So I decide to make a U-turn to have a chat.  But before I can even turn around, another car followed him into the parking lot.  After making my U-turn I'm following the seat belt violator stuck behind this second car.  

Well the driver pulls into the drive-thru as well as the car that had followed him into the parking lot.  I'm sure the driver is thinking he's home free, King's X, no ticket now....., but hey remember I'm a motor cop.  "A stats a stat and that's that.  Now rather than squeezing between the cars and follow this yahoo through the drive through as he orders his food, I decide to turn around and wait at the drive-thru exit.

Sure as gold, he pays for his food and grabs his bag charbroiled beef and leaves the drive-thru.  I then turn on my flashing emergency lights and stop the car in the parking lot.  I walk up to his door and tell him why I stopped him as he answers with a mouth full of food "You got to be kidding me!"  I replied "No sir, license, registration and proof of insurance."

I walk back to my motor and scratch out another seat belt rag....ORDER UP! as I explain the ticket to him and give him his copy after he signed it.  He says "I bet you love your job don't you!"  I replied "Does it show that much?"  

Now what ever gave him that idea....... service with a smile and in my line of work the customer isn't always right.  Hold the pickles and extra cheese please.    

What Comes Around Goes Around And Around

One of my favorite duck ponds is right next to the police department.  The posted speed limit on this road is 30 mph and is normally heavily traveled by pedestrians during the day.

So there I sat parked on my iron horse in the shade enjoying the beautiful day looking for unwary motorists.  I see this Mercedez driving toward me passing all the other cars in the lane next to him.  And boy is he off like a prom dress!

So much for those pedestrians walking on the sidewalk, I guess he doesn't see anything unsafe about traveling 22 mph over the posted speed limit.

I lock his speed in at 52 mph and quickly pull him over to converse about his inability to properly interpret those black numbers on those white signs that are posted along the right side of the road.

I collect his driver license and registration and says he has current insurance but doesn't have his new insurance card with him.  What is it with the insurance cards?!  I own three vehicles and don't have any problem keeping all of the proper documents with them.  Listen people, if I can do it, anybody can.

This guy has the balls to tell me that he was only traveling with traffic at about 35 mph.  He couldn't even tell me what the posted speed limit was.  HELLO McFLY! YOU WEREN'T SPEEDING BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE POSTED SPEED LIMIT IS!  PUH-LEESE.

I always tell drivers before I walk away from their car that I will be writing them a ticket so there aren't any surprises.  This guy asks me "Can you forgive me?"  I tell him "Sure, you're forgiven.  I'll be as quick as I can, just remain seated in your car."

I come back with his ticket and now he's pissed off.  He begins to tell me that he has lived in this community for 15 years and volunteers for numerous things.  I told him if you've lived her for 15 years I'd imagine that you'd know what the posted speed limit on this road was.

He then says that he is a mortgage broker and as of lately has had a difficult time financially due to the housing market melt down.  So here I stand by the driver door of this beautiful Mercedez sedan that I could obviously never afford.

I bite my lip and tell him his signature is not an admission of guilt.  He then tries to argue that as a local resident he should be given some break.

I'm sure when the housing market was on it's way up and peaked, he was making bank.  I'm sure he doesn't feel sorry for those people whom he probably helped finance their homes through sub prime mortgage loans and now here he whines like a bitch because he's getting a ticket for speeding and no insurance card.

Clue; It's just a damned ticket, not the end of the world.

What I really wanted to say was;  

Everybody is going through tough times and there are people out there having tougher times.  If you can afford to drive a Mercedez sedan and dress in your nice Armani suit then you sure as hell can pay for a ticket.  And just in case you can't, then I'd sell the damn car and suit.  Oh and by the way, welcome to reality buddy, enjoy!  Happy New Year!"

I have the same opinion of Oil Companies that gouge us, CEO's that are way over paid, Companies that outsource their jobs putting Americans out of work, and this bail out mess for these financial institutions who won't be required to and probably couldn't account for their government handout, crooks.

The kicker to this story is I later stopped him the same day on the same section of road, speeding in the opposite direction......I only cited him for the speed this time.

It's all about karma.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Best Insult Ever (or at least so far).

Due to the nature of my job, most people are not happy to see me in their rear view mirrors.  Even less when I'm standing at their driver door.  

So one day I'm parked at one of my favorite duck ponds, minding my own business (watching for speeders) on a roadway.  So while I'm parked at this location, totally in the open, I see this car approaching.

I see that it is leading a whole pack of cars and it's increasing it's lead like a NASCAR driven driver.  The posted speed limit for this road is posted at 40 or at least that's what those white signs say with those black numbers on it.  

I think I have it figured out now, you take the number on that sign and add lets say 15 to 20 mph and we're off with a green flag!

So as this approaching car is coming toward me expecting a checkered flag and kissing the knock out gorgeous trophy woman (or dude in this case because it was a "she" who was driving).  I lock in her speed at 62 mph with my handy dandy laser radar (what a cool toy, believe you me!)  

So this car gets the checkered flag along with a police motorcycle escort with flashing lights not quite to the winners circle, but to the side of the roadway (the name of the game is improvisation).  

I contact the female driver of this nice black BMW sedan.  I tell her that I stopped her for her speed and could I have her driver license, vehicle registration and an insurance card.  When I asked her if she knew what the posted speed limit is and how fast she was driving she was clueless but tells me in a bitter and scorn tone of voice that she wasn't speeding.  

I tell her what the posted speed limit is as well as how fast she was traveling.  She tells me her BMW doesn't accelerate that fast.......come on!  I was born at night but not last night!!  She handed me her driver license and told me she didn't know where her registration or insurance card was.  She made no effort to even look for it!

So I saunter back to my motorcycle to scratch out a rag to give her a personal invitation to our local Superior Court.

CLUE!  Attitude is everything people.  You want to get into a pissing contest with a motor officer and you're gonna lose because we have the power of the pen and if we feel like it we can really "paper fuck" you.

Due to the Princesses attitude, I raged her for her speed, I decided to include the registration and insurance violations too.  To add a little more to it, I remembered  she didn't have a front license plate as I looked through the sight of my laser radar and tagged that one on also.

While she signed the ticket, I explained to her the violations I had cited her for.  She replies "What's the matter, couldn't you find more!!"  I told her I had run out of lines to write violations on and did not have a continuation citation for any further violations that I guess she was begging me to look for.

I handed her copy of the ticket to her as she ripped it out of my hand.  She looked at me with a scowl and said "You need to get rid of that mustache, it's so 80's."

I laughed and told her I had never heard that one before.  After she happily drove away, I thought to myself, she's right, but hey I lived the 80's and they were a lot of fun.  So I'm still sporting the mustache and have no plans to get rid of it.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

There's One Born Every Minute! GOTCHA!

Everybody loves sunny days, as do we motor cops.  We prefer things on the cooler side though.  Summer sucks for motor cops.  We're wearing wool riding britches, ballistic vest, tall leather boots (yeah baby!), a brain bucket aka helmet, and extra weight like our gun belts with all of the toys.  

You can tell a motor cop in civilian clothes easily as we sport a very unique tan.  Our tan lines run from the bottom of our short sleeve shirts down to our gloves.  Me, I go from looking like your typical white cop during the winter, but get that sun on me and I look like a migrant farm worker.  So our hands are slightly lighter from our gloves we wear on and off during the day and finally our faces.  We typically sport a sunburned nose, and can look like raccoons from the tan line we get from wearing our polarized eye protection (sunglasses).

So on top of our uniform and ballistic vest, we ride these wonderful Harley's.  Nothing looks like them our sounds like them.  The draw back is that the engines are air cooled.  Unlike the BMW's and Honda's which are liquid cooled.  

The difference between the two is the Harley gets pretty hot after riding around in the hot summer heat.  So damned hot the the backs of your legs sometimes feel like they are roasting.  Imagine yourself straddling a car radiator.....welcome to my world.  I may sound like I'm bitching, but not really because hot or cold I really don't care so long as the streets are dry.  

So one of the things some of us motor cops do is turn off our motors when we come to stop lights to keep the engine from getting too hot.

So one beautiful blistering hot summer day I saw that the traffic light ahead of me was red.  So I turned of the engine kill switch and coasted to a stop next to a motorist who obviously didn't have air conditioning because his was the only car with the windows rolled all the way down.

He comments, "Hey that's a real quiet motorcycle you have there officer.  Is that a Harley."
Me; "Yes it's a Harley."
Driver;  "How come it's so quiet?"
Me;  "It's the new Harley Davidson Road King Hybrid."
Driver; "No way!"
Me;  "Way!"
Driver;  "Wow the technology they have today is just amazing!"

I noticed the traffic light turned green as I hit the starter for the Harley.  I hear the 103 cubic inch engine rumble to life sounding like rolling thunder.  I holler to the driver over the sound of the engine, "Have a nice day." as I ride off into the distance looking for prey.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Who says you can't say that on the radio!

Over the years on this job, especially as a motor officer (due to the extreme number of traffic stops we make) you run into some very unusual and funny names.  Things you know that you just wanna share with everybody else on the same police radio channel.  

I remember stopping this one driver for speed.  He had a good attitude, admitted that he was probably going too fast.  So he hands me his driver license as I unfortunately tell him I will be writing him a ticket.  

I walk back to my motorcycle and do a routine wants and warrants check on the driver.  I looked at his name on his driver license and chuckled to myself, "this'll be a good one for everybody."  The driver's name was Harry Johnson.....I know a little immature, but hey we're motor cops and someday when we grow up we'll get real jobs.

Needless to say, "'Hairy Johnson's" name was run out on the radio channel as a moment of humor in what sometimes is a humorless profession.

Sometimes the dispatchers will be in on a joke and force your hand.  Let me tell you of an example.  I stop this driver for an unsafe lane change.  After I contact him and walk back to my motorcycle to scratch out his rag, I looked at his name and saw that it was Richard Phuc.  Mind you Richard was part Vietnamese.

Being the kind and polite person that I am, I run out his name over the radio channel by phonetics.  Meaning, instead of say "Phuc" which has another variation of spelling, we'll spell it out in our cop lingo as Paul - Henry - Union - Charles to aid the dispatcher on the letters of the name.  

So this dispatcher who was on top of her game pulled a fast one by asking me "Can you 10-9 the last name."  10-9 meaning "repeat".  So not to be out done, I replied "Last of 'FUCK',  P-H-U-C, with a first name of Richard, sometimes goes by 'DICK'".  

So when the dispatcher told me that Dick Fuck was clear of warrants and had a valid driver license, it was obvious through her laughter that she thought it was funny too.

Sometimes when Officers run the common last names of people such as Brown, they'll usually say "Brown like the color." so the dispatcher knows it's not spelled Browne.

Well would you believe that I see this car make a u-turn where there is a posted "No U-TURN" sign and so I decide we'll have a chat.  I contacted her and she knew why she was pulled over.  So I look at her name on her driver license and see her last name is Massengill.  Wow being named after a feminine product.  I'd really feel sorry for her brother (if she had one).

So to amuse myself and the other listeners on the radio channel, I say "Last of the....oh, never mind.  First of Susan."  Before I finish scratching out the rag (how apropos) my cell phone begins ringing and it happens to be the telephone number of a Sergeant I once worked for at my old agency.  I'm thinking to myself "this could be a good phone call or a bad one."  Seeing as how I just pulled the juvenile "Massengill douche" thing over the radio channel I was leaning toward more of the bad.

I answer my phone and this Sergeant is laughing her ass off saying it was the funniest thing she'd heard over the channel in a while.  PHEW!!  I thought I had put my ass in a sling!

Some of the other funny names I've run across in my years of law enforcement have been like; Depass.  He didn't appreciate me pronouncing it as "Deep Ass".  He kept correcting me that it was pronounce De Pass.  Another unusual one was Fagot.  Another driver who felt like they had to keep correcting me on my pronunciation of his name.  "Well it looks like 'Faggot' to me!"  According to Faggot it was pronounced "Fa zho", yeah what ever.

So I'm looking forward to meeting the following people some day;  Stew Pidasso, Barry McCockiner, Camile Toes, Mike Hunt, Penny Trayshun, Conner Lingus and whom ever else.  Oh, and just in case you're wondering, I've already met Richard Head.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Order in the Court!

On occasion, those of us in the law enforcement profession have childcare issues just as everyone does.  Plus my wife needed a well deserved break from her stepson.  So one day I have a scheduled traffic court appearance during the afternoon.  

I decided to bring my 6 year old son to court with me and show him how the criminal justice system works pertaining to traffic court....yeah right.  What was I thinking!!  Mind you he is a typical can't sit still and can't stop talking 6 year old which I'm bringing into a court of law where the only people speaking are the Judge, Officer and Defendant.

Me believing myself to be a smart parent decide to have a candy treat for my son if he can remain quiet during the numerous traffic court cases.  He agrees (which should have been my first clue) to the deal as we leave home for court.  

We get to the court house and walk through security and I'm immediately bombarded with questions like, "Why didn't you have to wait in line?"  "What was that beeping noise" (referring to the metal detector),  "Who was that person with the gun?" (referring to the court security Deputy Sheriff),  "Is it over yet?"

We take our seats in the court room and he sits next to me fidgeting the whole time.  As we sit there some of my fellow motor officers from my agency and other agency's slowly fill the room. We exchange quiet greetings as they take their seats.  There is a bit of small talk throughout the court room before court is in session.

The door to the Judge's chamber opens where the Bailiff announces the Judge and that court is in session.  The court clerk has everybody stand and take the "Oath", you know, the whole "Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, if so say 'I do'".  Well I have to tell my son to stand up and raise his hand while this is going on and get the biggest case of "stink eye" from my 6 year old.

Believe it or not, they no longer say "raise your right hand"  I guess the courts realized that more people than not didn't know which hand to raise so now the court clerk just states "raise your hand".  So much for public edumacation.

We all take our seats after the "Oath" as the Judge calls up each individual traffic case by defendant's name.  Needless to say, this was a heavy court day and all seats filled.  This building is no different than any other government maintained building where the heater works great in the summer and the air conditioning works great in the winter.

So the court room is stuffy and I notice one of my fellow motor officer's eyes slowly close and his head slowly nod forward.  I motion to another officer sitting next to me look over at the sleeping officer.  

Well the officer wakes himself up when his chin hit his chest and he looks around quickly to see if anyone noticed.  He looks over at us with his tired, red eyes and smiles.  During the next several court cases his eyes become more droopy as his head nods forward and backward.  The bailiff looks toward us and smiles being in on noticing the nodding officer.  

Finally my defendant's name is called and I walk up to the podium to present the People of the State of California's traffic case to the Judge for his unbiased decision.  After giving my testimony and listening to the defendant's testimony, the otherwise courtroom silence is broken by a child's voice "Wakey, Wakey!  Ha Ha you were sleeping!!"

My son not being familiar with court proceedings saw nothing wrong with pointing and speaking out to the sleeping officer by giving a kind wake up call to him and the rest of the court room.

I knew right away who was speaking as my son was the only child in court.  I'm expecting the worst from the Judge as the proceedings have been rudely interrupted by my son when the whole court room, including the Judge began laughing.  Whew!  I thought for sure that I'd be receiving a stern admonishment (legalese for ass chewing) from the Judge.

Needless to say, my son's little antic earned him a big slurpee!  

And who says being in court isn't humorous.   

Saturday, January 3, 2009

What part of "hands free" don't you understand?

So there I sat at one of our "fishin' holes" (cop lingo for a great location for tickets) a few days before Christmas watching the traffic pass by. I see this Camry drive by with a female driver holding a cellular phone to her ear. I'm sure everyone knows that the hands free law went into effect on July 1st of last year so obviously drivers knowingly break this law. Not that it is a heinous crime to commit, but when you deal with as many HUA (cop lingo for "Head Up Ass)drivers as I have and do, I can understand why our elected representatives passed this law.

So I pull out of what many drivers perceive to be a "hiding spot" when in reality (at least mine) it's a safe place to park and so as not obstruct traffic, I catch up to the Camry which had stopped at a red light. I pulled along side and looked through her slightly open front passenger window and saw she was holding her cellular phone in front of her face just yapping away. She was so into her conversation that she never once looked over at me, and the sound of my Harley obviously interfered with her conversation as she rolled the window up.

So as not to feel slighted, I gave a quick honk on my motorcycle's siren and got her attention. She looked over at me and held her hands palms facing upward and was saying "What!, What!" I pointed out to her that the traffic light had turned to green. As she drove through the intersection I did what comes natural which is I pulled behind her car and turned on my emergency lights (so festive at this time of year!) and stopped her.

So after she pulled over, I walked up to her open driver window where she asked "Why did you pull me over?!" I always want to answer "I thought I was the one who's supposed to be asking the questions." So I told her for her cell phone which she was stupid enough to keep in her hands and tell the person on the other end of the line, "I'll have to call you back, I'm getting pulled over for my cell phone."

She, in a bitchy tone, "I thought using the speaker phone was legal."
Me, "If it were, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now."
She, "Are you gonna give me a ticket?"


Me, (Wishing "But of course!") "Yes I will be issuing a ticket for the cell phone violation."
She, "Happy Holidays to You Too!"
Me, "And to you."

Not surprisingly she couldn't find her current car insurance card so I cited her for that too.
After she signed the ticket she commented, "You could have given me a warning."
Me, "Yes, I could have. Happy Holidays."

HINT: If you don't have a blue tooth or any other hands free cell phone device, put it on speaker phone and clip it to your car visor, seatbelt, shirt, or the good old duct tape around your noggin trick and you are "hands free" and unmolested by some gung-ho motor cop.

FYI just in case you saw an officer driving a patrol car and talking on a cell phone and became "butt sore" about it, we police officers are exempt from the "hands free" law while on duty.

I of course am able to tuck my cell phone up between my ear and helmet and fully comply with the "hands free" law.


Friday, January 2, 2009


Thank you for visiting this blog. I've been working on this blog as my spare time allows. I will attempt to update this blog as often as possible. If you're the impatient type, I recommend you read a fellow brother's blog at and enjoy. I hope my brother motor forgives me for starting my own blog, but I find this soooo therapeutic, plus I'm educating the general public. I'm not of the computer savvy generation nor as articulate as the author in the above referenced site, but I am learning as I go.

Just a quick one for everyone. 

Get a clue, will ya!

I made a traffic stop of a female speeding through a construction zone on one of our major roadways. The speed limit had been reduced to 35 mph. Mind you there are plenty of signs stating its a construction zone with the reduced posted speed limit. It just goes to show how observant the general motoring public is.

Besides the signs giving you a clue, I would think the things like, lets say orange cones, construction equipment, work crews along the side of the roadway and center median, I needn't go on with the hints.

For all the drivers I stop, I guess you could say I'm the biggest fucking clue they see in their rear view mirrors with my flashing emergency lights !!!!

So I stop this lady and contact her. She tells me the speed limit and how fast she was traveling. I tell her what the actual speed limit is, how fast she was indeed traveling (very rarely do we come up with the same numbers) and where all of the posted reduced speed limit signs are posted.

I tell her as I always tell the driver's I "meet" before I walk back to my motor, "Unfortunately I am going to be issuing a ticket for the speeding." This lady replies, "But I can't afford a speeding ticket." I stepped back from her driver door and looked at her car from the front to the rear and said, "This is a Mercedez right?" She gave me a clueless reply, "Yes, why."

I'll be right back with your ticket ma'am.

What I really wanted to say was "You can afford a Mercedez but can't afford to pay a damn ticket! Maybe you ought to sell that 'fucking' thing and drive a Yugo!"

Of course I have a job to do and being an educator and greeter, I scratched out a quick rag (motor cop lingo for "I wrote her a ticket.").