Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Who says you can't say that on the radio!

Over the years on this job, especially as a motor officer (due to the extreme number of traffic stops we make) you run into some very unusual and funny names.  Things you know that you just wanna share with everybody else on the same police radio channel.  

I remember stopping this one driver for speed.  He had a good attitude, admitted that he was probably going too fast.  So he hands me his driver license as I unfortunately tell him I will be writing him a ticket.  

I walk back to my motorcycle and do a routine wants and warrants check on the driver.  I looked at his name on his driver license and chuckled to myself, "this'll be a good one for everybody."  The driver's name was Harry Johnson.....I know a little immature, but hey we're motor cops and someday when we grow up we'll get real jobs.

Needless to say, "'Hairy Johnson's" name was run out on the radio channel as a moment of humor in what sometimes is a humorless profession.

Sometimes the dispatchers will be in on a joke and force your hand.  Let me tell you of an example.  I stop this driver for an unsafe lane change.  After I contact him and walk back to my motorcycle to scratch out his rag, I looked at his name and saw that it was Richard Phuc.  Mind you Richard was part Vietnamese.

Being the kind and polite person that I am, I run out his name over the radio channel by phonetics.  Meaning, instead of say "Phuc" which has another variation of spelling, we'll spell it out in our cop lingo as Paul - Henry - Union - Charles to aid the dispatcher on the letters of the name.  

So this dispatcher who was on top of her game pulled a fast one by asking me "Can you 10-9 the last name."  10-9 meaning "repeat".  So not to be out done, I replied "Last of 'FUCK',  P-H-U-C, with a first name of Richard, sometimes goes by 'DICK'".  

So when the dispatcher told me that Dick Fuck was clear of warrants and had a valid driver license, it was obvious through her laughter that she thought it was funny too.

Sometimes when Officers run the common last names of people such as Brown, they'll usually say "Brown like the color." so the dispatcher knows it's not spelled Browne.

Well would you believe that I see this car make a u-turn where there is a posted "No U-TURN" sign and so I decide we'll have a chat.  I contacted her and she knew why she was pulled over.  So I look at her name on her driver license and see her last name is Massengill.  Wow being named after a feminine product.  I'd really feel sorry for her brother (if she had one).

So to amuse myself and the other listeners on the radio channel, I say "Last of Massengill....like the....oh, never mind.  First of Susan."  Before I finish scratching out the rag (how apropos) my cell phone begins ringing and it happens to be the telephone number of a Sergeant I once worked for at my old agency.  I'm thinking to myself "this could be a good phone call or a bad one."  Seeing as how I just pulled the juvenile "Massengill douche" thing over the radio channel I was leaning toward more of the bad.

I answer my phone and this Sergeant is laughing her ass off saying it was the funniest thing she'd heard over the channel in a while.  PHEW!!  I thought I had put my ass in a sling!

Some of the other funny names I've run across in my years of law enforcement have been like; Depass.  He didn't appreciate me pronouncing it as "Deep Ass".  He kept correcting me that it was pronounce De Pass.  Another unusual one was Fagot.  Another driver who felt like they had to keep correcting me on my pronunciation of his name.  "Well it looks like 'Faggot' to me!"  According to Faggot it was pronounced "Fa zho", yeah what ever.

So I'm looking forward to meeting the following people some day;  Stew Pidasso, Barry McCockiner, Camile Toes, Mike Hunt, Penny Trayshun, Conner Lingus and whom ever else.  Oh, and just in case you're wondering, I've already met Richard Head.


  1. While at the academy, I had a nametag that read 'Pat McGroyne'. :)