Monday, January 12, 2009

Sorry no frequent flyer points. You're luck just plain sucks.

This is a long one so you might want to use the restroom before you begin reading or grab a cup or glass of your favorite beverage and enjoy!

So here it is,
There are occasions where we have what we in the motor cop world refer to as repeat customer's.  And no they don't rack up any frequent flyer points, but they do rack up another type of points (Buwa-ha-ha-ha).

My first introduction to Adam Henry was watching a four-way stop sign controlled intersection.  It was a rainy day and as we motor cops don't ride in the rain for safety reasons, I was stuck in a patrol car.  

There are a few good things when we're stuck driving cars and that would be an FM car stereo and a mobile data computer, make that just one thing....the stereo.  Luckily for me the car I was driving had a dash mounted radar unit so while I'm monitoring the intersection for people who run the stop sign, I can also use the radar to catch speeders coming toward me from the front or back (see, we can multi-task too).  Turns out this combination was unlucky for Adam Henry.

I'm sitting there listening to the patter of rain drops on the roof of the patrol car and looking at the shape of the clouds above me.  Not really.  

There I sat waiting for some unlucky prey to run the stop sign or speed up on me in this residential area as I'm rockin' out to some classic rock-n-roll music (kinda dated myself there).

I see the first of my victims for the day.  I can tell he's haulin' ass as he's coming toward me due to the wild bouncing of his car as he travels over these wide speed bumps designed to slow traffic down.  This guy looks like he's racing in the Baja 1000.

I visually estimate his speed at approximately 45 mph in a posted 25 mph zone.  I turn on the forward antenna of the radar unit and get a very high pitched Doppler tone as I lock in the car's speed at 48 mph.  Mind you with the rain, wet roadway, and being in a residential area I'm thinking the safe speed to be around 20 mph (at least).  

So I lock in the car's speed at 48 mph as I anticipate that the car will come to a complete stop before driving through the intersection.  Remind you, there I'm parked in a fully marked patrol car with the pretty light bar on the roof, the spot light on the sides of the front windshield and a push bar on the front.  The only thing the patrol car is missing is a bright blinking neon sign which says "CAUTION----COP PARKED HERE!!!"

The Gods were kind as the car slowed and made a right turn without stopping at the stop sign.  Praise be to whomever......This is what we would call a "toofer" ("two for", meaning two violations for one driver!).

So I catch up to the vehicle and make a traffic stop.  I step out of the patrol car and walk up to the driver door and contact the driver, Adam Henry.  

Adam Henry; "Why'd you stop me?"
Me; "Because I can."  (not really but it sounded good).  "I know why I stopped you, do you?"
Adam Henry; "If I knew, I wouldn't be 'fucking' asking you now would I?"
Me; "What a potty mouth, you don't kiss you mommy with that mouth do you?"
Adam Henry; "Do your job and give me the damn ticket will ya!"
Me; "Absolutely, license, registration and insurance card."

Well Dip Shit hands me an expired driver license, last years registration, and an old expired insurance card.  The nice thing is I'm not required to tell you, "Sir you seem to have handed me an expired driver license.  I also noticed that you've accidentally handed me last years registration for you vehicle and an expired insurance card.  Would you mind finding your current information for me please.  Oh, and by the way, take your time.  I'll be sitting in my patrol car parked behind you.  Just honk your horn when you find these items and I'll be more than happy to retrieve them from you."

Listen, the responsibility is yours to hand me all of your current info and if not, well there's more than one line in the section of the ticket that says "VIOLATION(S)".

So I happily accept his expired documentation and told him "Oh by the way, I stopped you because you were speeding and the stop sign violation."  As I walk back to my patrol car I had a hard time trying to keep myself from skipping back because I'm so happy that Adam Henry has helped me to help him by paper fucking him.

So lets see, speeding violation, stop sign violation, driver license not in possession, no current registration, and an expired insurance card (let see, being a stupid asshole....not a crime, yet).
Now I have a dilemma, five violations, only four lines and no continuation ticket with me.

Me, being the thoughtful person that I am, I give him a verbal warning on the old registration paper.  The wonderful thing about the insurance violation is the only person that can make that a correctable or "fix it" violation are the courts and only after you show them your current insurance card (which means a trip to the court house and usually a long wait in a long line).

Usually when drivers have "tude" as in attitude, I'll take my sweet ass time writing their ticket out.  I never realized I could print so neat and legible.  So by the time I walk back up to Adam Henry's car and begin to explain the ticket to him, he is out of patience.  Of course he's a fucking know it all as he says "I know, I know, just let me sign the damn ticket."
Me; Certainly, do you need to see your expired driver license to copy your name."

Adam Henry looks at the ticket and replies, "You couldn't give me a break on something?"  I told him that I had, because I ran out of lines on the ticket.  So he rants as I give him his copy about how I'm ruining his life, how he's gonna lose his driver license and his job because of me.  I'd feel so guilt ridden if I had any conscious about writing tickets, but unluckily for the general motoring public I don't.

Adam Henry asks for his driver license back when I tell him its expired so I'll be returning it to the DMV.

This was not the last conversation I've had with Adam Henry.  I've stopped him for speeding on three more occasions.  The last occasion was near our first meeting place.  After getting his info I tell him that I'm going to write him another ticket.  Well this time his driver license was suspended.

CLUE:  If you're driver license is suspended for what ever reason, why drive HUA (Head Up Ass) because you never know when your friendly motor cop might be around when he sees you do something stupid like speeding through a neighborhood.

In the wonderful State of California if you're driving on a suspended license the "pole-eece" can tow and have your vehicle stored for 30 days at your cost.

I walk back up to Adam Henry and ask him why is driver license is suspended.
Adam Henry; "Because of all the fucking tickets you wrote me!"
Me;  "I'll need the ignition key and you can take what ever items you want or need out of your   truck."
Adam Henry; "Officer 2 Wheel Terror, please don't tow my truck, I need it and all my tools for   work."
Me; (noticing the big change in attitude) "Sorry Mr. Henry, tow truck's on it's way."
Adam Henry;  "I bet you'd give your own mother a ticket!"
Me;  "Yup, and after a year and a half she's still pissed off about it.  Can you believe she tried     that whole 'I gave birth to you' angle.

Well Adam Henry decides that he'll pick up his belongings in his truck at the tow yard later.  I showed Adam Henry my pen and asked him if he knew what it was.  He of course being the sharpest tool in the shed that he is, "It's a fucking pen."  I tell him it's not just any ordinary pen, it's a magic pen.  It turns drivers into pedestrians.  

I head back to the police station because the sky is clearing and I'm all about two wheels.  I get changed into my riding britches, boots, helmet, and Harley and I'm off like another prom dress and on the prowl.

Our dispatch center raised me on the radio letting me know that the tow company wanted me to contact them.  I pull over and give them a call and you'll never believe who showed up at the tow company driving another car to gather all of his tools from his truck.

There's stupid, then there's Fucking Stupid.  So I head over to the tow yard and guess who I meet driving down the narrow road from the tow company......Fucking Stupid aka Adam Henry.

Adam Henry sees me and drives up the road backwards at about 35 mph, parks it curbside in front of the tow company and hops out of the drivers seat.

I love my job!  I gave Adam Henry another ticket for driving on a suspended driver license, unsafe backing and yes I had the car stored for 30 days too.  The nice thing was I didn't have to wait for a tow truck.

I watched Adam Henry as he walked away yelling expletives about me and the department I work for.  He turned around and gave me the "bird".  I raised my magic pen and said, "Abra-ca-dabra, Presto-chango! and shook my pen at him and twice in one day Adam Henry went from driver to pedestrian.

Am I always this rude.  No, matter of fact I'm quite cordial and truly realize that people don't like getting tickets (I sure as hell never did, and sure as hell got my share of tickets speeding around on my motorcycle as a teenager and young adult).  Respect begets respect.  



  1. it's a magic pen. It turns drivers into pedestrians.

    Still giggling 2 hours later! Great stuff Terror! Can't wait to read more -
    Happy Medic

    Motorcop sent me.