Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Many moons ago I worked the weekend graveyard shift, 6:30 pm to 7:00 am, Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I had a great group of beat partners which made work fun. There were several bars along the main street which would keep us plenty busy. Those several bars also became our great customer base for DUI drivers.

So every Friday and Saturday night we'd see who could "hook" (arrest) the first DUI driver of the night. We'd always set the goal for a "trifecta" meaning all three of us graveyard officers would each hook a DUI driver. Needless to say we had our Friday and Saturday night trifectas more times than not.

DUI drivers, I was always happy to get them off of the roads which you, I, and our families use. If they were involved in a traffic collision or were on probation for a prior DUI or DUI reduced to a "wet reckless", or their BAC (blood alcohol count) was higher than .15%, it was an automatic trip to the county lock-up.

Sunday nights were typically awfully slow. We'd use Sunday night to catch up on our paper (arrest reports and such) as we prepared for our 4 days off. Sunday is a busy day for those ass wipes which prowl around our communities and check cars for unlocked doors so they could rip off what ever contents "Joe Citizen" was stupid enough to leave in plain view.

I'd use Sunday night's to look for these ass wipes who were out driving around looking for people to rip off. As stupid as Joe Citizen was, he or she didn't deserve to have their belongings taken from them.

The place where I worked was very easy to spot these ass wipes. In a place were the normal car driving around town was some German import such as a Mercedes Benz, BMW or other high end car, you'd see a beat up Saturn cruising around the neighborhoods.

I'd run the plate of the vehicle and lo and behold, it was from a less desirable city within the county or sometimes an adjoining county. It wouldn't be hard to develop some probable cause to pull a piece of shit car over. Not surprisingly the driver and occupants would usually be on some type of searchable probation or on parole.

Well after requesting a back up patrol unit to respond so I could search the car. I'd pull the occupants out one at a time, search them, and then have them take a seat on the curb. After my cover officer would arrive, I'd methodically "rip" the car's interior, trunk and even the engine compartment. We'd also check out the places where we believed if these ass wipes were clever enough to have a hidden compartment.

I'd always search cars while wearing rubber surgical gloves. The cover officer typically wouldn't. I don't know what it is about "cranksters", "tweakers" or what ever you want to call them, and dildos, yes you heard me right.....DILDOS. I'm talking cars with just guys in it and the driver happens to be the registered owner. Those are some sick mother fuckers.

So me being me, I holler over to my beat partner and tell him "check this out" as I'd toss the dildo to him. Of course not really knowing what it was, he'd instinctively reach out with both of his un-gloved hands and catch the rubber phallus.

It was always really good for a laugh. Of course there was always payback. The last time someone said "Hey check this out" and tossed something my way, I'd let it hit the ground before I'd look at the item.

Too bad it was dude's glass bong. I hear those things can be expensive.